My faith is strong. I am confident saying that - with all of the death, sickness and moves that have happened in my life - my faith has pulled me through. That is not to say it has never been shaken. My prayer always is that God will put before me the path that I am suppose to take - but often I am like a 2 year old. You can picture that kid who doesn't want to be in the car seat, or go to bed, or get dressed, and wriggles and fights to get what they want. I am a very bad listener most of the time. My ego and my humanness get in the way of what is truly best for me.
Suzanne and I fought the closure of the Edge for a LONG time. Much longer than most people realized. We did not want to fail but more importantly we did not want to let people down. We spent so much of our energy growing a business into a living, breathing, being, filled with love and kindness that closing it would be like killing it. When doors started to close on us we would find a crack in a window somewhere. When the window closed we found an air vent. We fought hard but in the end EVERY door was closed, or more like slammed and locked. We looked at each other and decided this must be what was intended for us - God has a bigger plan.
After the closure grief set in. We were anxious. Couldn't sleep. We didn't know what to do with our time. I dove into the one thing that I know helps me deal with life - exercise. I was working out harder after the Edge closed than when we were teaching all of the time. When I took my first class at another gym I almost cried. WHAT DID WE DO?? This wasn't the same - not even close. We must have made a huge mistake. We couldn't even drive by the old Edge location without feeling sick.
We reluctantly decided to run our bootcamp at the park. Workout outside? Really? Well, if that is the only place we can truly do what we love then it will have to do. We are only one week into our "mobile" bootcamp and on Friday when Suzanne and I pulled into the driveway we looked at each other with tears in our eyes. This is good. We are doing exactly what we did at the Edge but in a different location. We in fact LOVE working out outside - there is something so calming about the fresh air and blue sky. We are connecting again with amazing people and building confidence and health. We didn't realize how heavy the burden of that building was around our necks. It was, after all, just a building - a very expensive building with its fair share of problems. We didn't need it - and God knew that. He closed that door so many more could open.
I hope that I learn from this experience to trust more - to not fight so hard for what I think is right when clearly another path is where I am suppose to go - but I know myself better. I will once again kick and scream my way through this life. Thankfully God is there to gently (or not so gently) guide me in the right direction. He only wants what is best for me. He only wants what is best for all of us.
I know this - and I am thankful.
Saturday, January 17, 2015
Thursday, January 1, 2015
New
I find the coming of the new year almost comical. For one it is an acceptable time for people to make changes. Most people do not like change but for some reason during this time of year everyone is looking to change something - themselves, their life, their goals. We get excited by the possibilities of growth and adventure. We picture the "new me" in our heads and it is appealing and within grasp. It is an almost magical time of year full of endless opportunities. "This year I am going to be skinny!", "this year I will get that promotion!", "this year I will find the right person".
Maybe I have been tainted by being in the fitness industry for too long but this magical season seems to last about 6 weeks at best. The gyms are packed. The stores carry more athletic clothing and healthy food. We are all on this fabulous train to greatness..... and then.
Life happens. The day to day activities start to take over. We don't have enough time, energy, will power, determination or motivation to stay on our chosen path. The monotony of life crowds out the inspiration we had for that one gleaming moment during New Year's. Until, of course, we get around the calendar again.
New Year's is also an acceptable time to let go. We feel the burden of the year lift from our shoulders. All of the regret and sadness are allowed to leave and we can start fresh. New.
What if we treated every moment like New Year's. We saw every minute as a new opportunity, a chance to let go. A chance to change, to grow, to learn, to love. Every single moment of every single day. What if there was no New Year's Day and the opportunities were solely in your hands. Would you do it? Would you see it? Would you grab it and not let go? 6 weeks or a lifetime. I know my answer - do you know yours?
Maybe I have been tainted by being in the fitness industry for too long but this magical season seems to last about 6 weeks at best. The gyms are packed. The stores carry more athletic clothing and healthy food. We are all on this fabulous train to greatness..... and then.
Life happens. The day to day activities start to take over. We don't have enough time, energy, will power, determination or motivation to stay on our chosen path. The monotony of life crowds out the inspiration we had for that one gleaming moment during New Year's. Until, of course, we get around the calendar again.
New Year's is also an acceptable time to let go. We feel the burden of the year lift from our shoulders. All of the regret and sadness are allowed to leave and we can start fresh. New.
What if we treated every moment like New Year's. We saw every minute as a new opportunity, a chance to let go. A chance to change, to grow, to learn, to love. Every single moment of every single day. What if there was no New Year's Day and the opportunities were solely in your hands. Would you do it? Would you see it? Would you grab it and not let go? 6 weeks or a lifetime. I know my answer - do you know yours?
Sunday, December 21, 2014
Final Countdown
There is something to be said about the intimacy you can create between you and another person.
In two days we will lay our angel of a business to rest. My emotions are somewhat similar to when I sat by my mother's bedside waiting for her to die. Not nearly as intense but similar. I think of all of the memories we have created with our EDGE family, the relationships we have built and regret that there is not more time to continue building them. I want desperately to hang on, to keep going, to persevere, and yet I know this is the end.
Unlike many people I embrace change. I thrive on it. It excites me and gets my heart pounding. I feel alive. I know that my next chapter will be just as challenging, beautiful, and rewarding as this one has been but as I sit at this vigil it is hard for me to see.
I don't like to measure things as "successes" or "failures" but rather how have I changed and what have I learned. This much I know. I am passionate. I am creative. I am dedicated. I take risks. I like to "live on the edge". I am rich beyond measure in the currency of human kindness. I am terrible with money, I lack a desire to obtain it. I lack a desire to manage it and simply wish we didn't have to deal with it. It is the one thing with utmost certainty that we will never take with us.
I have been afforded this luxury of not thinking about money because my husband is a wonderful provider. I have the freedom to not really worry about it. Unfortunately that freedom led to the demise of our dear business. It is one of my fatal flaws - but I am OK with it.
The number one thing I learned from the EDGE and the skill that will most certainly be most valuable throughout the rest of my life is this. Take the risk to get to know a person, to love them and to care for them without reservation or hesitation. Before the EDGE I was afraid to do this. I was more concerned with what someone would think of me. How juvenile.
It took a long time for me to relax enough to embrace the brand new face walking through the door. You have to be willing to open yourself up in order to see into someone else. I don't know intimate details of these lives. For most, I don't even know what they do outside of coming to the Edge. Does that matter? No. My relationship with these people is deep even though words may not be a part of it. I know when someone is having a bad day. I know when someone just needs a touch of kindness. I know when someone needs to be encouraged. Words have nothing to do with it.
When I journeyed through cancer my relationship with God became the same way. Sometimes words are not enough. Sometimes words are just words. They can't possibly hold the weight of emotion. I used to lie in bed and have a conversation with God. I still do on occasion but mostly I just invite Him in. I open myself up to Him and just "be". I think when you can just "be" with someone, dare to look them in the eyes and "see" them - that is when a relationship is built. Where things are no longer superficial but intimate.
These relationships, these people, make me a better person and they will stay with me long after the end of the Edge. So I challenge you. Make relationships. Dare to "see" the person in front of you in line. Be willing to let them "see" you. The Edge was a safe place where love was bountiful but guess what? The world is that way too. You just have to be willing to open yourself up see it.
In two days we will lay our angel of a business to rest. My emotions are somewhat similar to when I sat by my mother's bedside waiting for her to die. Not nearly as intense but similar. I think of all of the memories we have created with our EDGE family, the relationships we have built and regret that there is not more time to continue building them. I want desperately to hang on, to keep going, to persevere, and yet I know this is the end.
Unlike many people I embrace change. I thrive on it. It excites me and gets my heart pounding. I feel alive. I know that my next chapter will be just as challenging, beautiful, and rewarding as this one has been but as I sit at this vigil it is hard for me to see.
I don't like to measure things as "successes" or "failures" but rather how have I changed and what have I learned. This much I know. I am passionate. I am creative. I am dedicated. I take risks. I like to "live on the edge". I am rich beyond measure in the currency of human kindness. I am terrible with money, I lack a desire to obtain it. I lack a desire to manage it and simply wish we didn't have to deal with it. It is the one thing with utmost certainty that we will never take with us.
I have been afforded this luxury of not thinking about money because my husband is a wonderful provider. I have the freedom to not really worry about it. Unfortunately that freedom led to the demise of our dear business. It is one of my fatal flaws - but I am OK with it.
The number one thing I learned from the EDGE and the skill that will most certainly be most valuable throughout the rest of my life is this. Take the risk to get to know a person, to love them and to care for them without reservation or hesitation. Before the EDGE I was afraid to do this. I was more concerned with what someone would think of me. How juvenile.
It took a long time for me to relax enough to embrace the brand new face walking through the door. You have to be willing to open yourself up in order to see into someone else. I don't know intimate details of these lives. For most, I don't even know what they do outside of coming to the Edge. Does that matter? No. My relationship with these people is deep even though words may not be a part of it. I know when someone is having a bad day. I know when someone just needs a touch of kindness. I know when someone needs to be encouraged. Words have nothing to do with it.
When I journeyed through cancer my relationship with God became the same way. Sometimes words are not enough. Sometimes words are just words. They can't possibly hold the weight of emotion. I used to lie in bed and have a conversation with God. I still do on occasion but mostly I just invite Him in. I open myself up to Him and just "be". I think when you can just "be" with someone, dare to look them in the eyes and "see" them - that is when a relationship is built. Where things are no longer superficial but intimate.
These relationships, these people, make me a better person and they will stay with me long after the end of the Edge. So I challenge you. Make relationships. Dare to "see" the person in front of you in line. Be willing to let them "see" you. The Edge was a safe place where love was bountiful but guess what? The world is that way too. You just have to be willing to open yourself up see it.
Thursday, May 30, 2013
The Calm and the Storm
I have not written on my blog in over a year for several reasons. I gave my time to other things and I didn't seem to have much to write about. We all have moments in our life when things are calm. When everything just seem to be going along quite nicely and there is nothing to "report". Everyone is healthy, happy and only having minor struggles in the day to day life. This has been the case over the last year. Recently though, I did notice the storm clouds approaching..... perhaps it was the Holy Spirit telling me to "get ready - something is coming". I have heard this "voice" a few times in my life and when it comes I try to ignore it. I don't like waiting for the other shoe to drop - I don't live that way. Never the less the voice seemed to get louder over the last month or so.
As with most traumatic events there was a shock. A bolt of lightning that set it all off. My dearest friend lost her husband in an instant. Her healthy, beautiful husband was here one minute and gone the next. Massive heart attack.
I am naming my dear friend "Brave" and if you know me at all you know her. I met her 11 years ago when we moved in next door to her. Her beauty was the first thing I noticed - in fact at the time I believe I said to my husband "I am not sure I can live next door to someone so beautiful" but I soon discovered her outer beauty was a manifestation of her incredible inner beauty. Her compassion and sincerity were magnetic and we became fast friends. Through the years our sons became best friends and our husbands as well. An ideal match in all respects. We always wanted to spend more time with each other - never less. We always enjoy each others company. Two years ago Brave and I opened a business together. We were concerned that it might strain our friendship but it only brought us closer. I can't recall ever having even a tiff with her in the time that I have known her. Our families molded almost into one family - who would drive the boys to swimming ...... what was for dinner.
Three years ago Brave took on the challenge of nursing me through breast cancer. I was a mess. Hormonal, emotional, miserable at times. We were both too young to have to worry about such things and yet there is was. She made life bearable. Having never walked that path before she handled my situation with such grace and courage. Knowing exactly when I needed to talk and when I just needed to be. She was my strength when I needed it most.
So here we are in another storm. This one more traumatic, more permanent, and now I am on the other side. Our family is broken. A large hole has been left that no one can fill and I feel helpless. I now understand what it feels like to desperately want to take the pain away from someone. So much so that it aches in every part of my body and being. I want to help and yet there is no fixing this.
So, I will do my best to take what I learned from her and comfort her as much as I can as we walk this valley together. I will hold her hand and cry with her and do everything in my power to let her know she is not alone and still.... it will not be enough.
We never know how long storms are going to last. Sometimes they are over quickly. This time it will last awhile but I know in the deepest part of me that faith will bring us through the storm and some day.... one day..... the sky will clear and the calm will come again.
As with most traumatic events there was a shock. A bolt of lightning that set it all off. My dearest friend lost her husband in an instant. Her healthy, beautiful husband was here one minute and gone the next. Massive heart attack.
I am naming my dear friend "Brave" and if you know me at all you know her. I met her 11 years ago when we moved in next door to her. Her beauty was the first thing I noticed - in fact at the time I believe I said to my husband "I am not sure I can live next door to someone so beautiful" but I soon discovered her outer beauty was a manifestation of her incredible inner beauty. Her compassion and sincerity were magnetic and we became fast friends. Through the years our sons became best friends and our husbands as well. An ideal match in all respects. We always wanted to spend more time with each other - never less. We always enjoy each others company. Two years ago Brave and I opened a business together. We were concerned that it might strain our friendship but it only brought us closer. I can't recall ever having even a tiff with her in the time that I have known her. Our families molded almost into one family - who would drive the boys to swimming ...... what was for dinner.
Three years ago Brave took on the challenge of nursing me through breast cancer. I was a mess. Hormonal, emotional, miserable at times. We were both too young to have to worry about such things and yet there is was. She made life bearable. Having never walked that path before she handled my situation with such grace and courage. Knowing exactly when I needed to talk and when I just needed to be. She was my strength when I needed it most.
So here we are in another storm. This one more traumatic, more permanent, and now I am on the other side. Our family is broken. A large hole has been left that no one can fill and I feel helpless. I now understand what it feels like to desperately want to take the pain away from someone. So much so that it aches in every part of my body and being. I want to help and yet there is no fixing this.
So, I will do my best to take what I learned from her and comfort her as much as I can as we walk this valley together. I will hold her hand and cry with her and do everything in my power to let her know she is not alone and still.... it will not be enough.
We never know how long storms are going to last. Sometimes they are over quickly. This time it will last awhile but I know in the deepest part of me that faith will bring us through the storm and some day.... one day..... the sky will clear and the calm will come again.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Doors
I have been thinking a lot about doors lately. How they open. Who opens them. We recently watched the movie Temple Grandin and there is a running theme throughout the movie about doors - "they open up a whole new world". Sometimes I think we try and create doors that really shouldn't be there. Other times the door is so big, grand and right in front of us but we can't see what is on the other side. These doors take a lot of courage to even approach and open. Then there are the times when we have to choose between doors. This could be the most intimidating of them all. How do we choose? By choosing one door we are not choosing the other door.
When we opened this business I believed the door was opened for me. Everything happened easily and without much struggle. It was challenging and it took courage to actually do it but for the most part it happened easily. I had a meeting with my family at the beginning of all of this. We discussed what life would be like around the house while we got the business up and running. I told them this first year was going to be hard. Very hard. I knew I wouldn't be around much. What I didn't know was what impact that would have on my family. I am now seeing the results of this. At first it was something everyone could handle but now that we are going on 7 months they are getting tired of me not being around. I am tired of not being around. I LOVE my business but I love my family more. I have started to wonder if that door was truly open for me or if I created it for my own personal benefit.
I have to believe that I am suppose to be doing this with my business. So much good is coming to so many people because of it. I see change in bodies and minds every single day and that could not possibly be a bad thing. I am hoping doors will continue to open so that we can hire some instructors and I can spend some quality time with my family during the week. There is enough of me to go around but just not enough hours in the day. My family has been so supportive and initially I expected to have them at The Edge all of the time but as it turns out my dream is not exactly their dream. I am experiencing the effect of my actions on the people I love and I hope that someday they too will look back on this time and say yes it was a struggle but in the end it all worked out and it was worth it. I am giving it a bit more time. I believe eventually I will be able to balance both my family life and my business life. Challenge is good. Change is good. Both produce growth. The biggest challenge is knowing when to change.
When we opened this business I believed the door was opened for me. Everything happened easily and without much struggle. It was challenging and it took courage to actually do it but for the most part it happened easily. I had a meeting with my family at the beginning of all of this. We discussed what life would be like around the house while we got the business up and running. I told them this first year was going to be hard. Very hard. I knew I wouldn't be around much. What I didn't know was what impact that would have on my family. I am now seeing the results of this. At first it was something everyone could handle but now that we are going on 7 months they are getting tired of me not being around. I am tired of not being around. I LOVE my business but I love my family more. I have started to wonder if that door was truly open for me or if I created it for my own personal benefit.
Friday, December 30, 2011
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Thankful
Two years ago today I got the phone call that brought me to my knees. First in fear and anguish and then in prayer. It took a few days but God poured his grace over me and I knew everything was as it should be. He has been so good to me and today I am nothing but thankful. Thankful to have the friends and family He has given me. Thankful for the doctors and nurses that took care of me. Thankful for my health and to simply be alive. I am extremely thankful to have the faith that I do - it has carried me when I was not strong enough to carry myself. This Christmas I wish all of you the peace and comfort that comes in knowing you are right where you are supposed to be. I challenge you to live your life in gratitude - looking at the things you DO have. I hope that you look at each hiccup in your life as another opportunity to grow and I wish you the courage to succeed and overcome obstacles. Most of all I wish you love. Love from others. Love for others. I hope you feel His love, the most powerful love I have ever felt, surrounding you. I most sincerely wish you a very merry, meaningful and beautiful Christmas.
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