Last night I went to a party to celebrate a friend who has been cancer free for 5 years - which in cancer terms means "cured". Woo Hoo!!! I was ecstatic for her and wanted to show my support but honestly it was very hard for me to go. I knew I would be seeing many people I haven't seen in awhile - people I wanted to see but wasn't quite ready to see yet. It involved trying to find something to wear - always an issue. I have to work from the top down these days - starting with a hat and working from there. I chose a pair of jeans I could still squeeze my newly pudgy body into and heals (which always make you feel pretty) and slapped some makeup on my broken out face. Vanity seeping through. Insecurity seeping through. Nothin' like making an entrance when you are 5'10" and bald. Of course all of my insecurity and worry was in my head. I walked into nothing but loving arms. I looked into eyes I hadn't seen in several month and even though the words were "great to see you!" and "how have you been?" the understanding and friendship behind all of those eyes was so deep. There is a new richness to these relationships and I cherish all of them.
I have been worried lately that I will fall back into my "old" self. I don't want to go back to the way things were - I want to hold onto this new appreciation for life and everything in it. I want the superficial to stay at bay and already I feel it tugging at my heels. Jeans, hats, pudgy. They all mean nothing. I still find myself wanting to stay in "the box" of comfort and security - the one where I can't get hurt - the one that surrounds my home. The only way I think I can hold onto my new found riches is to step out of that box - every day. Take risks. Trust in the goodness of people. Trust myself.
Sometimes in those moments when we are feeling most alone - if we take our hands away from our eyes we can see how not alone we really are.
2 comments:
Sounds like quite an "a-ha" moment last night. I'm glad you went and got to soak up some love that you've been missing out on. I think things will change a little bit when you're back to your normal life, but you'll never be the same as you were - that's just not possible. And by the way, the way you were was not at all bad!!! Cut yourself a break! I love you, sweetie.
I have been cancer free for 3 years now,I too was afraid to face certain people, I avoided so many when I was sick, I did not want pity but, I know now I would of got love and support instead of pity.I feel changed and it is hard for alot of people to understand, some days happy and some still scared, some angry. Your blog inspires me...I am happy for your new obstacle knock down, great job. I am better at writing books than blogs and find myself deleting allmost all I type, everytime. But, I believe that I too will strive to get over the fear of judgement from people, and stop deleting....stay wonderful.
from, country mom
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