My Posse

My dear friend Stephen gave me a book called "Crazy Sexy Cancer Survivor". I have to admit I was apprehensive to read it at first but dug in on the plane ride home. It made me feel better and empowered. In the book she recommends surrounding yourself with your posse. If you are reading this you are definitely in my posse - a select group of people I have chosen to share this journey with and who I trust will lift me and my family up and encourage us every step of the way. I feel filled up with the love that comes from family. Sharing Christmas with both John's Mom and Alex and almost my entire family in Colorado was a much needed super boost that will carry me a long way. I also spent quality time with my dear friend Sally that has been my cheerleader since the second she found out. She and my family will cheer me on from afar and my amazing local friends will be stuck with some of the nitty gritty that I may not thank them for at the time but am thanking them now. God placed all of you in my life perfectly for this moment and I know it will bring us all closer and shed a different light on what is important in life.

Ahhhh

It is amazing what a good nights sleep will do for you. I woke up this morning feeling very positive - I mean very positive. I know completely that I am in God's hands and I am certain that he will take care of me and my family. I can already see how he has been working to get me to this point. I am the strongest I have ever been and completely ready for this fight. I almost equate it to those time when you feel the devil working his way into your life. When I have those moments I almost laugh because I know how strong I am with God on my side and he will never prevail. I feel the same for this cancer. It certainly does not define me. I am a strong person and this nasty little sneaky cancer has no chance against me. It has no clue what it got itself into. To say that I am not scared at all would be a lie but I don't have that overwhelming fear that I think debilitates people and hinders their fight. The battle is on and I am going to have a great time in Colorado, and celebrate Christmas with a whole different appreciation and come back and win.

Day two

Met with the surgeon today. Think he is amazing. The answers are still not here and wont be for awhile. I am happy I get to see my family in Colorado for Christmas before this all begins. I am overwhelmingly exhausted (having a hard time standing) I am sure from all of the stress and only about an hour of sleep last night. John jokingly said I am feeling tired because I have cancer. That sounds so strange to me. I don't know what I would do without his sense of humor. It is times like these that I realize how much I love him. We "get" each other.

The first day

I am going to chronicle the events of this new chapter in my life so that I can get my feelings down and maybe keep some semblance of sanity throughout this.

The phone call came today at around 12:30. I looked at the caller ID and saw that it was my doctors office. I quickly answered. She said "Hi is this Kristin?this is doctor Freeman's office" I said "yes". She said "we would like to make an appointment for you to come in this afternoon"....

That was when the blood left my body and my heart started beating hard - I have never felt that way before. I managed to get off of the phone but sat in my chair and broke down. Went in to tell John and broke down.

The details of the rest of the day are insignificant other than the moment I had to tell my children. I will never forget that moment for the rest of my life. Their sweet little faces seemed to be even younger than they already are. We all cried - the 4 of us.

I am going to do my best to be strong. I will use every bit of fight in me (and that is a lot). But I feel the shock to my body of the news right now. I have become very tuned into my physical body while teaching classes and I can observe things that are going on. The fast heartbeat does not go away. There is almost a tingling sensation all of the time (fear I am sure) and my body can't seem to regulate it's temperature. All symptoms of shock I am guessing. Up until this news I was feeling very good and healthy.

Sleep will not come easy tonight even though I am beyond exhausted.

Pray for me and my family.

Julia's corner

Julia brought this poem home from school the other day. They were suppose to write something that said what Christmas meant to them. She was the only one in the class who wrote a poem. This is completely unedited.

The Real Meaning of Christmas

As you try to fall asleep on Christmas night,

You wonder what presents might lie.

But why we get the presents you might want to know.

If so, sit back and enjoy the show.

It's about giving, sharing,

Joseph, Jesus and of course, Mary.

As they waited in the barn for their child,

They were cold out in the wild.

Out came Jesus into a cradle that sways

And that's only part of why we have Christmas Day.

It's for his birthday that we all care.

We have presents so that he can share.

We celebrate all of these days,

So we can live in God's way.

The true meaning of Christmas, it's not hard to do.

Just follow these steps and he will love you.

Xmas cards

Children with freshly cut hair - new shirts - no camera......

I went to borrow John's camera to take pictures of the kids for our Christmas card (had an idea for a good one this year) and wouldn't you know - his broke in his hands when he was checking the battery for me. When it rains it pours I guess.

I am still waiting to win a bid I put in on eBay for a used camera (the auction was 7 days long) so I will find out tomorrow if I get it. By the time I get it here it will already be Christmas though. I guess we are looking at a new years card this year.

I did it again.....

Once again I decided to wear my nice 4 1/2 inch heels to a party. John was of course mad because I became 6'2" but they looked so nice with my dress. The party was way too much fun and I danced the night away in these things. This was Saturday night. It is now Monday and I STILL can not feel several of my toes on both feet (see illustration). I think the government should use these as torture devices. I can't imagine a man who would not be brought to his knees begging for mercy if he was forced to dance in these things.

Ebay

I have been bidding on several items lately and can't seem to win anything. One of them is a used camera identical to the one that just broke. It amazes me that this nice camera was given to me for my birthday several years ago and was over $200. It was a great camera at the time with 5.0 mega pixels. Now with newer cameras that are more than double that my camera on eBay is going for around $50 (less than it would be to actually have it fixed). I have been perfectly happy with my camera and can still use the battery, memory card and case. The problem is that I believe there is a way on eBay to bid at the very last second in order to win (without actually doing it - eBay does it for you). I don't know how to do this but every time I get close to winning something a final bid comes in with only 10 seconds left that just beats me. This must be how people are making money on eBay - buying and then turning it around to sell it again. I am also trying to win a gift for Jack for Christmas and time is running out. This item is selling it stores for much more than they are going for of eBay. Maybe I need to take an eBay class and become more eBay savvy.

Great people!

We had a super fun company party at our house last night. I spent the better part of the day putting up decorations and cleaning because earlier in the week I was at the doctor with Julia and then Jack (they are both doing better now). The house ended up looking great even though we decided not to get a Christmas tree (since we are going to Colorado) and I did some unique decorating. We all played Rockband, roasted marshmallows outside on the fire pit and had a gift exchange. Our last guests left at 1:30am so I think that is a good indication that the party was a hit. Unfortunately someone picked up my camera and started taking pictures and dropped it. I had some good shots but my camera in now completely broken :( Jack is asking for one from Santa this year so maybe I will be borrowing his if he gets one. I now realize how much I actually use it.

On another note, Julia had her first voice lesson yesterday. She is so completely excited and her teacher is fantastic! I didn't actually meet her but John did and she learned so much in the short half hour. We were having second thoughts about it because it is a bit pricey but now we know it is worth every penny to see the smile on that little girls face.

Mommy

When did my kids stop calling me Mommy and start calling me Mom? I don't like it.