Ed

A dear man from our gym took his life on Sunday.  This came as a major shock to all of us.  He regularly attended every one of my classes for many years.  He would always let us know many days in advance if he was going to be out of town and wouldn't be coming in because he knew we would worry about him.  We talked after every class, sometimes for only a minute or two and sometimes a bit longer.  I knew he was lonely, he lived alone and really didn't have any family except his ex wife who lived in Santa Barbara.  He would visit her on weekends sometimes and help her with the up keep of her home.  I know they were friendly with each other and went out to dinner.  He was always talking about finding his soul mate.  He said he was just one of those men who needed to be with a woman.  He had trouble sleeping and always said it would be better if he had someone lying next to him.   I think he was waiting for her to find him.  He spent his days mostly at the gym (he sometimes took 4 classes a day) and taking long walks on the beach.  We all thought we were his family.  All of the instructors and many members talked with him daily and we all loved having him as a permanent fixture at the gym.  He appreciated good food and good movies.  The way he spoke of meals and described them made me think he should be a food critic and I told him so.  He always made me hungry.  He loved movies with relationships and usually sad ones.  I could tell he was a very passionate man.  He smiled every day and always seemed to be very happy in class.  Sometimes he would just close his eyes in body jam and really get into the music and the dance.  He appreciated the simple things in life - like a sunset or a cool breeze.  He would cut out comic strips and bring them to me just to make me laugh.  He always had a compliment ready for everyone.  

He was my friend.  I am going to miss him.  I will miss seeing him in his spot in the room.  I will miss his smile and his sweetness. I am so sad that I did not realize the depth of his pain and didn't do more for him.