Thursday, August 27, 2009

Sentiment, remembrance and regret

When I was much younger I used to get quite attached to things.  Knickknacks mostly.  Little treasures from other people.  A Christmas gift from someone special or a neat rock I found on one of our Sunday picnics.  After my Mom died I had one of her bracelets - it reminded me of her so much and I would play with it on my wrist when I thought of her.  I did this so often that one day the clasp broke.  I put the bracelet in my purse so I could get it fixed.  Around the same time this happened the ring that John proposed to me with (a beautiful ring that had been his family for a long time) had a loose diamond.  I put this ring in my purse too until I could get to a jeweler to have it fixed.  One day at work I realized my purse was missing.  It was in the same place I always kept it - secure in my office.  I knew someone I worked with had stolen it.  I searched and searched the entire building getting more frantic with each step not wanting to admit that these treasures were gone.  When it finally hit me I collapsed on the floor in a heaving bundle of tears.  

The loss of those items tore me apart for a long time but it was the moment I started to live a different life.  I realized eventually that they were indeed just things and to this day I can still remember exactly what they looked like.   It was a defining moment because I started to not care about items anymore.  I am not a pack rat.  I tend to throw things out rather than keep them.  I started to value the people in my life and the moment I am in more than the memories.  I have a very bad memory.  I think it is because I have learned to not dwell on the past - I prefer to enjoy the present.  That doesn't mean that I don't miss my Mom sometimes or wish that I had that ring to give to Julia someday.  I do.  I have a few choice items locked away in the garage to share with my children someday but for the most part life is about today - I live mostly in the now - forgetting the past and not worrying about the future (maybe to a fault).  I try to love the people I am with now and I don't walk around with regret that I didn't do things differently.  I try to learn from my mistakes and move on.  If anything I hold onto the people in my life too much rather  than the things.  I probably hold them too tight to my heart.  I guess this blog is an item that records and remembers for me so I can move on.  

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