Tuesday, October 20, 2009
For most of my life I have tried to achieve perfection in some area or another. I would spend endless amounts of wasted time comparing myself to others and never measuring up. For the most part I tried to achieve this perfection in things that didn't really matter. I would try and let other peoples perception of me be tainted in some way. I was dishonest. I always wanted to have the nicest house or be in the best shape, have the nicest singing voice or the perfect wardrobe and when I didn't I would put the magic curtain up and hope nobody would notice that I wasn't perfect. This is my Achilles heel. I will always struggle with these things but here it is - written down for all to see. I am not perfect. I am messy and unorganized. I spend too much money on silly things like clothes and makeup. Singing is not my forte no matter how hard I try and eventually this body will look like an old handbag. I have doubts and lack confidence often. I struggle even more in things that really matter. I am not the first person to volunteer. I am not always thinking about how to help other people. Sometimes I just don't want to hear about how John's day was and a common comment to my children is "uh huh" when I am not listening. Sometimes at night when I am praying I start to think about the next days choreography (oops, sorry God). This is not to say that I don't try. I do try every day to be a better person but the human-ness in me comes out. Why are humans the only beings unsatisfied with themselves? Animals seem to be perfectly content with who they are even if they are not content with their surroundings. God made us this way. I think we must need to learn to love ourselves along with the love we have for others in order to truly be with God. There is a prayer we say at mass every Sunday where we ask for forgiveness for "the things I have done and the things I have failed to do". The "failed to do" part gets me every time. I think the answer to almost any question is Love. So I will try and love myself, love others and love God and I pray that this is enough. So, if you find me someday talking to you on the phone and a standard "uh huh" comes out of my mouth. Please forgive me. I am working on it. I am working on what God wants me to be.
Posted by Kristin at 1:13 PM