Friday, April 23, 2010

A Better Version

Recently I came across our old VHS wedding video. I dusted it off and decided I would transfer it to DVD. When I picked it up from Costco a week later I brought it home to watch for some good laughs. There is something about film that translates so much more than still images. I watched my younger self and almost had to close my eyes a few times. I cringed. I wanted to slap her around a bit. I was so caught up in the event that I am pretty sure I missed the moment.

There was never doubt written on my face - I knew I wanted to marry John. That was never a question. What I saw more was this insecurity and obsession with what other people were thinking about me. Not John but everyone else. I saw a girl trying way too hard to be perfect. A girl who was all surface and no substance. A girl who was upset with the way her hair turned out and was constantly aware of how she looked, how the event looked.

What I should have been doing was paying attention to what my new husband was thinking - how he felt. That was the moment - the music was right, all of the players were there, it was a beautiful day and God was present - and I missed it. I wish I could go back and do it again - do it right. I wouldn't care about the flowers or the cake or even the dress - I would care about the moment our souls became one. In reality that moment happened long before we said our vows. In reality it may have happened before we even met - but our wedding was a declaration to the world that it would always be that way. A promise to each other before God - a life moment.

Ah youth. I am glad I can look back on this moment in time that happened 16 years ago and know that I am better now than I was then. I hope I continue to look back on moments throughout my life and know that I am a better person in the present than I was in the past. No regrets.


Tracey said...

Kristin, you are, and always have been an amazing person. I love reading your blog. I've known you for 28 years, and can say you continue to evolve into someone I'm so proud to call my friend. I'm thinking of you, hoping the best for you everyday. And thanks for sharing your journey with me. It goes beyond words how brave I think you are. XOXO

Sally said...

That's what weddings are about most of the time. You're on display more than any other time in your life. I remember when Robert and I got married the day went by in a blur but for the next couple of months seeing his wedding ring on his hand would bring me to tears. The event is just that - an event. But you always knew about you and John. Weddings are amazingly crazy things anymore. I don't think it's possible to really concentrate on the moment in modern weddings - I'd imagine it was easier when it wasn't such a huge production, just a few family members in a little church. I don't honestly remember a lot about yours - it was emotional for me beyond any wedding aside from my own. I just remember how happy you were and how happy John was and how PERFECT everything really was, like it or not. You are different than you were then, but that's just part of getting older, and I don't think it's a better/worse thing. You've never been self-absorbed or conceited. Trust me, I'd know. You have always been the same person, your priorities just change over time, and that's a good thing. But with all that said, if you do it over again, we're totally dancing down the aisle. :-)

john alexander said...

our life together is like surfing its a journey. The first 10 or 20 years are just getting used to one another. The next 20 or so are where the journey begins. I am stoked to be a surfer and maried to you.

swest335 said...

Kristen, when I read your blog I felt like I was writing that. The same thing happened to me and honestly at first I was sad but now I see that it is just life. We live and learn with each step we take. My Grandmother always said if only we could live our lives backwards - as a child I did not understand - now I get it. I am thinking of you - you are amazing and love to read your blog!

Sheri said...