Recently I came across our old VHS wedding video. I dusted it off and decided I would transfer it to DVD. When I picked it up from Costco a week later I brought it home to watch for some good laughs. There is something about film that translates so much more than still images. I watched my younger self and almost had to close my eyes a few times. I cringed. I wanted to slap her around a bit. I was so caught up in the event that I am pretty sure I missed the moment.
There was never doubt written on my face - I knew I wanted to marry John. That was never a question. What I saw more was this insecurity and obsession with what other people were thinking about me. Not John but everyone else. I saw a girl trying way too hard to be perfect. A girl who was all surface and no substance. A girl who was upset with the way her hair turned out and was constantly aware of how she looked, how the event looked.
What I should have been doing was paying attention to what my new husband was thinking - how he felt. That was the moment - the music was right, all of the players were there, it was a beautiful day and God was present - and I missed it. I wish I could go back and do it again - do it right. I wouldn't care about the flowers or the cake or even the dress - I would care about the moment our souls became one. In reality that moment happened long before we said our vows. In reality it may have happened before we even met - but our wedding was a declaration to the world that it would always be that way. A promise to each other before God - a life moment.
Ah youth. I am glad I can look back on this moment in time that happened 16 years ago and know that I am better now than I was then. I hope I continue to look back on moments throughout my life and know that I am a better person in the present than I was in the past. No regrets.